Unexplainable Hole

There are times when I know I'm being self-destructive with my character flaws. I get myself into situations that I premeditatedly tell myself "Sam, you know this isn't good for you, you know it's going to end up hurting you, you know this person doesn't care about you." And yet, I still pursue that destructive behavior (or person).

Then, when exactly what I knew would happen happens I feel not only an emptiness and sadness from the actual hurt, but an anger and resentment toward myself when I tell myself "I told you so."

But then there are times when I participate in behaviors that don't directly hurt. For example, I have a friend who I see every now and then, and, yes, we engage in sexual acts, but when I'm with him I really do feel alright. I know that our relationship isn't serious, it is casual and fun but he does care for me in a way and I care for him in a way as well, and I feel secure in seeing him because my expectations for him haven't exceeded his capabilities and he is a very sweet guy who gets my rocks off but who I don't really see myself having a serious relationship with.

The thing that sucks, though, is when he's gone, I still have that aching, unexplainable hole. Just having him here, watching tv together felt infinitely better than the moment he left, and all the following moments after that when I was faced with being alone. I mean, it was an immediate change. I didn't even get a residual good feeling after he left, it was an instantaneous change in my mood. From content, unworried, satisfied and relaxed to sad, almost fidgety, nervous anxiety and worry.

All my problems never went away when he was here, but my perception of them was masked or eclipsed by the fact that I wasn't alone, that I was wanted and desired and with someone other than myself. And the moment he left, all the negative perception of real life flooded back.

It's almost as if being with someone else, no matter who it is or the brevity or length of time...It's always a distraction from reality. I'm making a connection between this type of instance and the instances of when I was immersed in the fantasy world of online roleplaying (see my last post).

I wish I could just understand that seeking these distractions isn't going to make my circumstances any better. It's simply a distraction. And when the distraction ends...my problems will still be there, as ugly as they were, if not uglier...perhaps even more difficult to overcome because of the reality that I am alone and I have to face my problems alone.

And that frightens me.