Unexplainable Hole

There are times when I know I'm being self-destructive with my character flaws. I get myself into situations that I premeditatedly tell myself "Sam, you know this isn't good for you, you know it's going to end up hurting you, you know this person doesn't care about you." And yet, I still pursue that destructive behavior (or person).

Then, when exactly what I knew would happen happens I feel not only an emptiness and sadness from the actual hurt, but an anger and resentment toward myself when I tell myself "I told you so."

But then there are times when I participate in behaviors that don't directly hurt. For example, I have a friend who I see every now and then, and, yes, we engage in sexual acts, but when I'm with him I really do feel alright. I know that our relationship isn't serious, it is casual and fun but he does care for me in a way and I care for him in a way as well, and I feel secure in seeing him because my expectations for him haven't exceeded his capabilities and he is a very sweet guy who gets my rocks off but who I don't really see myself having a serious relationship with.

The thing that sucks, though, is when he's gone, I still have that aching, unexplainable hole. Just having him here, watching tv together felt infinitely better than the moment he left, and all the following moments after that when I was faced with being alone. I mean, it was an immediate change. I didn't even get a residual good feeling after he left, it was an instantaneous change in my mood. From content, unworried, satisfied and relaxed to sad, almost fidgety, nervous anxiety and worry.

All my problems never went away when he was here, but my perception of them was masked or eclipsed by the fact that I wasn't alone, that I was wanted and desired and with someone other than myself. And the moment he left, all the negative perception of real life flooded back.

It's almost as if being with someone else, no matter who it is or the brevity or length of time...It's always a distraction from reality. I'm making a connection between this type of instance and the instances of when I was immersed in the fantasy world of online roleplaying (see my last post).

I wish I could just understand that seeking these distractions isn't going to make my circumstances any better. It's simply a distraction. And when the distraction ends...my problems will still be there, as ugly as they were, if not uglier...perhaps even more difficult to overcome because of the reality that I am alone and I have to face my problems alone.

And that frightens me.

Sense of Betrayal

Why do I become so possessive of my friends and partners?

I have been practicing polyamory for a long time, but I never truly give my partners the same freedoms I expect. I don't know why I expect a double standard. I believe I should be allowed to see who I want, to spend time with who I want, on a first come first serve basis. But then I expect my partners to always seek MY attention first and continuously, never giving them the opportunity to seek the company of others.

And this isn't just with my romantic/sexual partners, but also with my friends.

Right now, a friend of mine who I consider to be my BEST friend, has been so "busy" he has barely made any contact with me in the past month, except when I message him asking him what he's been up to. He claims he has been busy...someone apparently bought him a season pass to Six Flags so he's been going with them a lot. But this, in effect, has made me feel like he has abandoned me.

It used to be, I would call him up and he would come hang out at least once a week. And we would text every other day or so, or see each other on facebook and whatnot. But over the past month, it seems like he is too busy to bother with me.

I feel so betrayed because I consider myself to be a very good friend. I've bought him dinner several times when he couldn't afford it, I even bought him some groceries once. I stayed with him in the hospital for a day and a night. I've showed him new foods and shows and experiences he wouldn't have had before. And now, he's got some new girl who is, I'm guessing, like his girlfriend (though I'm not sure about that) who bought him a season pass to Six Flags, and now everything I offer is just old news.

I spent $25 on a concert ticket for him. It's coming to town next Saturday. And I have a really sinking feeling that he's going to bail on me. Even after the fact that I told him how scarred I am with the whole "buying concert tickets for people" thing. I feel like I'm walking in the same exact path that I have at least twice before and I hate myself for it.

A little backstory:
In college, I had a "best friend" in a similar situation as this. She was broke (so was I, but not as badly as her) I took her under my wing, bought her groceries, helped her out, opened doors to new experiences for her and helped bring her out of an emotional slump. And the White Stripes were coming to town and we both loved them and I wanted to see them so badly that I bought us both tickets. I didn't want to go ALONE of course, but she couldn't afford a ticket, so I bought it for her.

The week before the concert, she told me she couldn't go because she forgot to request off work. Now, this might seem a common mistake, but I felt that it was a slap in the face. We had planned to go to the concert for months, I had spent my hard earned and very precious money on tickets and she didn't even have the decency to remember to request it off? I ended up going with my stepdad. We had a good time, but it just wasn't the same. And I felt betrayed.

This wasn't the only betrayal she caused me, but that's a story for another time.

LAST YEAR, I was, again, in a similar situation with a guy I liked. He had just gotten out of a really bad relationship and he and I had a lot in common with heartbreak and our situations. So, what did I do? Took him "under my wing," had pity sex with him that turned into me wanting more...and bought him a concert ticket to a concert I wanted to go to. Again, because I didn't want to go alone and he couldn't afford to get his own ticket.

And, do you know what happened? We ended up meeting up with an ex girlfriend of his and the entire day he was up her ass, practically ignoring me. And at the end of the night when I told him I didn't think we should see each other again, he got pissed off and ended up turning it around on me and making me feel worse about it. Was it the last time I saw him? No.

And here we go again...This time I really thought I could trust my friend. As of now he says he is still going, but I have a sinking fear that I'll be blown off last minute and have these expensive tickets and no one to go with me to the concert.

I am so TIRED of feeling like a stepping stone. I'm tired of being the one everyone goes to when it's convenient for them. Tired of only being good enough until something or someone better comes along. And yet I seem to put myself in these situations time and time again.

I am innately drawn to people who might need me. I've got a bleeding heart that reaches out to people who are broke, sad, lonely, who have low self esteem. And then somehow I seem to give them confidence, or cheer them up, or fix something in them enough that they toss me away. Eventually everyone either gets to be too busy for me, or sick of me. One way or another, every single person in my life (aside from my parents) has done this to me. And I am SO TIRED of my heart being broken over these people.

Yet I can't seem to stop myself from getting involved with these types of people...even when I think "this one is different."

I'd like to close, again, with some song lyrics by the Black Keys:

Well I'm so above you

and it's plain to see

but I came to love you any way...

So you pulled my heart out

and I don't mind bleedin'

and the whole time you keep me waiting, waiting, waiting

Well your mama kept youbut your daddy left you

and I shoulda' done you just the same

but I came to love you am I going to bleed?

and the whole time you keep me waiting, waiting, waiting

oh oh oh oh, I got a love that keeps me waiting

oh oh oh oh, I got a love that keeps me waiting

Im a lonely [girl]

I'm a lonely [girl]

oh oh oh oh, I got a love that keeps me waiting

12 Promises

So, this is my first blog. I'm going through a pretty rough time in my life right now, though I've known I've needed help in the arenas of sex, love and fantasy addiction and have made some half-hearted attempts in the past to seek that help. Today was the first time I've actually attended an SLAA meeting.

As with any 12-step program, they recommend you attend at least 6 meetings before deciding whether SLAA is for you or not...but is it too presumptuous to feel that it's the right place for me after just one meeting?

I think, perhaps, they set that 6-meeting recommendation for the types of people who give up on their convictions easily...for the person who attends one meeting and says "Oh no, this isn't for me, I'm not going to come back." But, I honestly feel with every part of me that SLAA meetings are where it's at for me.

I've gone to a couple other meetings recently for Overeaters Anonymous, and while overeating IS another character flaw I have, I am positive that sexual addiction is my primary flaw and the one that needs immediate attention. I don't quite identify as well with the members of the OA meetings I've been to. And though there were only a few people at the SLAA meeting I went to tonight, I felt as though it is really where I need to be.

I'm still very new to the actual process and perhaps I'm stepping out of bounds by starting a blog, I don't know. I don't intend to share anyone else's stories or issues here (that would totally take the anonymity out of it, right?) But I think that it would be a great outlet for me for introspection...and to be perfectly honest, I type a hell of a lot faster than I can physically write (though I've been writing in my journal a bit lately as well). 

One thing that really struck me in the meeting tonight were the twelve promises. Many of these I seriously want for myself and my life. A couple I don't directly identify with, but they all strike a chord with me, some louder and stronger than others. 

Perhaps for the next few posts, I will just write about what strikes me about these promises.

  The Twelve Promises of SLAA (Sex Love Addicts Anonymous)

1. We will regain control of our lives.
2. We will begin to feel dignity & respect for ourselves.
3. The lonliness will subside & we will begin to enjoy being alone.
4. We will no longer be plagued by an unceasing sense of longing.
5. In the company of family & friends, we will be with them in body and mind.
6. We will pursue interests and activities that we desire for ourselves.
7. Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision, rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.
8. We will love and accept ourselves.
9. We will relate to others from a state of wholeness.
10. We will extend ourselves to nurture our own spiritual growth and that of others.
11. We will make peace with our past and make amends to those we've harmed.
12. We will be thankful for what has been given to us, what taken away & what's been left behind. 

A bit of backstory:
The longest relationship of my life lasted for seven years. At this point in my life, that is a QUARTER of my entire life, more than HALF of my actual developed/dating life I spent with one man. And we had a LOT of problems. But, as it directly relates to my addiction, there was a large span of time where my addiction to fantasy seriously interfered with, and, on several occasions, nearly ended my relationship.

Ever since I was introduced to a computer when I was, probably 13 years old (perhaps a bit earlier), I had somehow gotten into the whole chatroom cybering scene. God forbid anyone I was talking to actually knew my age, that's a pretty frightening thought now that I'm an adult, actually...But I digress. Chatroom cyber evolved into more in-depth roleplaying on games such as Dark Age of Camelot and World of Warcraft, where you actually play a character, and where some people immerse themselves in a character history they create for themselves, playing the persona of that particular character.

I had a LONG history of erotic roleplay, to a point where it was a majority of the writing (interactive roleplaying) I did. My partner was not at all happy with the fact that I roleplayed, he considered it a form of cheating since my time, effort and, yes, even emotions were so entrenched in this fantasy world that I had no time, effort or true desire for HIM.

Countless times we had the same arguments, over and over. He was unhappy I was doing it, I was unhappy that he was trying to inhibit me and stop me from doing it. It was a part of who I WAS. I had been doing it since long before I met him, it wasn't personal, it wasn't that I wasn't happy with HIM (or was I?)...it was an addiction. And I knew it then, I admitted it freely. But I never did anything about it. In fact, I would VEHEMENTLY argue with him, to the point of near breakups for my right to ERP (erotic roleplay).

Though it wasn't the final factor in our eventual break up, I'm sure it was a huge contribution to the decline of our relationship. 

As it relates to the promises:
The third promise seems so very desirable in that I want and need the aching loneliness I constantly feel to subside, to go away...But it just seems impossible to even fathom enjoying being alone. 

When I was with that partner, I would look forward to the times when I could be "left alone," but really, I wasn't ALONE. I was simply left to myself to indulge in the vice of my fantasy/roleplay without the added pressure of GUILT with him and his daughter being there. It wasn't that I enjoyed being alone, it was that I was relieved not to feel their presence urging me to spend time with THEM.

I would constantly feel guilty as I sat in front of my computer, eyes glued to the screen, fingers flying as I typed and interacted with people across the country, or who knows where...instead of spending my time with my family who was right there. I chose to immerse myself in the fantasy world, rather than spend time with the people who I should have cared most about.

But did I let the guilt turn me away from the computer? No. In fact, the guilt festered as resentment in my heart, turning my thoughts to resentment, reluctance and even anger at my loved ones because I couldn't just be "left alone to be myself and do my own thing." 

This goes hand in hand with the fifth promise, of being present not only in body, but also in mind.

When I was immersed in my roleplaying, I was physically THERE, not 10 feet from my family. But my mind was never present with them. It was literally wrapped up in the World of Warcraft. And even when I wasn't playing, I was constantly thinking of playing...with one eye on the clock and one foot aimed toward the computer, ready to dart whenever the opportunity arose for me to break away from whatever family obligation I had. Anxious for the kid to go to bed, almost urging my partner to flop down and immerse himself in tv or do whatever he did for himself so that I could hop back into my preferred reality.

Real life was just an inconvenience, an interruption of the "reality" I had made for myself where I really wanted to be...a place, of course, that I could NEVER truly be, within the confines of my own imagination.

And I would think that world was so much better, so much richer and more desirable; but, in reality, it was never actually attainable. And all it would do, other than offer a temporary escape from the drudgery of "real life," was actually DULL reality. It made everything in real life seem so bland and ordinary and unfulfilling. But, in truth, the fantasy world was also unfulfilling because there was absolutely NO WAY I could even come close to actually experiencing even a fraction of what my fantasies offered and caused me to desire. My fantasies made my life even less desirable.

Well, this ended up being a lot longer than expected. I do hope, if anyone is reading, you got something good out of it. If not a lesson or whatever, at least knowing that there is someone out here, who might understand what it is you're going through.

In closing, I would like to share a quote from a song by Superchick named Pure:

"This is my brand new day

starting now

letting go of the ways that I fall down

The old can be made new

the lost can be found

the lost will be found

And this is my prayer without ceasing

the negative, releasing

and as I rise above, my burden is easing"