12 Promises

So, this is my first blog. I'm going through a pretty rough time in my life right now, though I've known I've needed help in the arenas of sex, love and fantasy addiction and have made some half-hearted attempts in the past to seek that help. Today was the first time I've actually attended an SLAA meeting.

As with any 12-step program, they recommend you attend at least 6 meetings before deciding whether SLAA is for you or not...but is it too presumptuous to feel that it's the right place for me after just one meeting?

I think, perhaps, they set that 6-meeting recommendation for the types of people who give up on their convictions easily...for the person who attends one meeting and says "Oh no, this isn't for me, I'm not going to come back." But, I honestly feel with every part of me that SLAA meetings are where it's at for me.

I've gone to a couple other meetings recently for Overeaters Anonymous, and while overeating IS another character flaw I have, I am positive that sexual addiction is my primary flaw and the one that needs immediate attention. I don't quite identify as well with the members of the OA meetings I've been to. And though there were only a few people at the SLAA meeting I went to tonight, I felt as though it is really where I need to be.

I'm still very new to the actual process and perhaps I'm stepping out of bounds by starting a blog, I don't know. I don't intend to share anyone else's stories or issues here (that would totally take the anonymity out of it, right?) But I think that it would be a great outlet for me for introspection...and to be perfectly honest, I type a hell of a lot faster than I can physically write (though I've been writing in my journal a bit lately as well). 

One thing that really struck me in the meeting tonight were the twelve promises. Many of these I seriously want for myself and my life. A couple I don't directly identify with, but they all strike a chord with me, some louder and stronger than others. 

Perhaps for the next few posts, I will just write about what strikes me about these promises.

  The Twelve Promises of SLAA (Sex Love Addicts Anonymous)

1. We will regain control of our lives.
2. We will begin to feel dignity & respect for ourselves.
3. The lonliness will subside & we will begin to enjoy being alone.
4. We will no longer be plagued by an unceasing sense of longing.
5. In the company of family & friends, we will be with them in body and mind.
6. We will pursue interests and activities that we desire for ourselves.
7. Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision, rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.
8. We will love and accept ourselves.
9. We will relate to others from a state of wholeness.
10. We will extend ourselves to nurture our own spiritual growth and that of others.
11. We will make peace with our past and make amends to those we've harmed.
12. We will be thankful for what has been given to us, what taken away & what's been left behind. 

A bit of backstory:
The longest relationship of my life lasted for seven years. At this point in my life, that is a QUARTER of my entire life, more than HALF of my actual developed/dating life I spent with one man. And we had a LOT of problems. But, as it directly relates to my addiction, there was a large span of time where my addiction to fantasy seriously interfered with, and, on several occasions, nearly ended my relationship.

Ever since I was introduced to a computer when I was, probably 13 years old (perhaps a bit earlier), I had somehow gotten into the whole chatroom cybering scene. God forbid anyone I was talking to actually knew my age, that's a pretty frightening thought now that I'm an adult, actually...But I digress. Chatroom cyber evolved into more in-depth roleplaying on games such as Dark Age of Camelot and World of Warcraft, where you actually play a character, and where some people immerse themselves in a character history they create for themselves, playing the persona of that particular character.

I had a LONG history of erotic roleplay, to a point where it was a majority of the writing (interactive roleplaying) I did. My partner was not at all happy with the fact that I roleplayed, he considered it a form of cheating since my time, effort and, yes, even emotions were so entrenched in this fantasy world that I had no time, effort or true desire for HIM.

Countless times we had the same arguments, over and over. He was unhappy I was doing it, I was unhappy that he was trying to inhibit me and stop me from doing it. It was a part of who I WAS. I had been doing it since long before I met him, it wasn't personal, it wasn't that I wasn't happy with HIM (or was I?)...it was an addiction. And I knew it then, I admitted it freely. But I never did anything about it. In fact, I would VEHEMENTLY argue with him, to the point of near breakups for my right to ERP (erotic roleplay).

Though it wasn't the final factor in our eventual break up, I'm sure it was a huge contribution to the decline of our relationship. 

As it relates to the promises:
The third promise seems so very desirable in that I want and need the aching loneliness I constantly feel to subside, to go away...But it just seems impossible to even fathom enjoying being alone. 

When I was with that partner, I would look forward to the times when I could be "left alone," but really, I wasn't ALONE. I was simply left to myself to indulge in the vice of my fantasy/roleplay without the added pressure of GUILT with him and his daughter being there. It wasn't that I enjoyed being alone, it was that I was relieved not to feel their presence urging me to spend time with THEM.

I would constantly feel guilty as I sat in front of my computer, eyes glued to the screen, fingers flying as I typed and interacted with people across the country, or who knows where...instead of spending my time with my family who was right there. I chose to immerse myself in the fantasy world, rather than spend time with the people who I should have cared most about.

But did I let the guilt turn me away from the computer? No. In fact, the guilt festered as resentment in my heart, turning my thoughts to resentment, reluctance and even anger at my loved ones because I couldn't just be "left alone to be myself and do my own thing." 

This goes hand in hand with the fifth promise, of being present not only in body, but also in mind.

When I was immersed in my roleplaying, I was physically THERE, not 10 feet from my family. But my mind was never present with them. It was literally wrapped up in the World of Warcraft. And even when I wasn't playing, I was constantly thinking of playing...with one eye on the clock and one foot aimed toward the computer, ready to dart whenever the opportunity arose for me to break away from whatever family obligation I had. Anxious for the kid to go to bed, almost urging my partner to flop down and immerse himself in tv or do whatever he did for himself so that I could hop back into my preferred reality.

Real life was just an inconvenience, an interruption of the "reality" I had made for myself where I really wanted to be...a place, of course, that I could NEVER truly be, within the confines of my own imagination.

And I would think that world was so much better, so much richer and more desirable; but, in reality, it was never actually attainable. And all it would do, other than offer a temporary escape from the drudgery of "real life," was actually DULL reality. It made everything in real life seem so bland and ordinary and unfulfilling. But, in truth, the fantasy world was also unfulfilling because there was absolutely NO WAY I could even come close to actually experiencing even a fraction of what my fantasies offered and caused me to desire. My fantasies made my life even less desirable.

Well, this ended up being a lot longer than expected. I do hope, if anyone is reading, you got something good out of it. If not a lesson or whatever, at least knowing that there is someone out here, who might understand what it is you're going through.

In closing, I would like to share a quote from a song by Superchick named Pure:

"This is my brand new day

starting now

letting go of the ways that I fall down

The old can be made new

the lost can be found

the lost will be found

And this is my prayer without ceasing

the negative, releasing

and as I rise above, my burden is easing"