I have been practicing polyamory for a long time, but I never truly give my partners the same freedoms I expect. I don't know why I expect a double standard. I believe I should be allowed to see who I want, to spend time with who I want, on a first come first serve basis. But then I expect my partners to always seek MY attention first and continuously, never giving them the opportunity to seek the company of others.
And this isn't just with my romantic/sexual partners, but also with my friends.
Right now, a friend of mine who I consider to be my BEST friend, has been so "busy" he has barely made any contact with me in the past month, except when I message him asking him what he's been up to. He claims he has been busy...someone apparently bought him a season pass to Six Flags so he's been going with them a lot. But this, in effect, has made me feel like he has abandoned me.
It used to be, I would call him up and he would come hang out at least once a week. And we would text every other day or so, or see each other on facebook and whatnot. But over the past month, it seems like he is too busy to bother with me.
I feel so betrayed because I consider myself to be a very good friend. I've bought him dinner several times when he couldn't afford it, I even bought him some groceries once. I stayed with him in the hospital for a day and a night. I've showed him new foods and shows and experiences he wouldn't have had before. And now, he's got some new girl who is, I'm guessing, like his girlfriend (though I'm not sure about that) who bought him a season pass to Six Flags, and now everything I offer is just old news.
I spent $25 on a concert ticket for him. It's coming to town next Saturday. And I have a really sinking feeling that he's going to bail on me. Even after the fact that I told him how scarred I am with the whole "buying concert tickets for people" thing. I feel like I'm walking in the same exact path that I have at least twice before and I hate myself for it.
A little backstory:
In college, I had a "best friend" in a similar situation as this. She was broke (so was I, but not as badly as her) I took her under my wing, bought her groceries, helped her out, opened doors to new experiences for her and helped bring her out of an emotional slump. And the White Stripes were coming to town and we both loved them and I wanted to see them so badly that I bought us both tickets. I didn't want to go ALONE of course, but she couldn't afford a ticket, so I bought it for her.
The week before the concert, she told me she couldn't go because she forgot to request off work. Now, this might seem a common mistake, but I felt that it was a slap in the face. We had planned to go to the concert for months, I had spent my hard earned and very precious money on tickets and she didn't even have the decency to remember to request it off? I ended up going with my stepdad. We had a good time, but it just wasn't the same. And I felt betrayed.
This wasn't the only betrayal she caused me, but that's a story for another time.
LAST YEAR, I was, again, in a similar situation with a guy I liked. He had just gotten out of a really bad relationship and he and I had a lot in common with heartbreak and our situations. So, what did I do? Took him "under my wing," had pity sex with him that turned into me wanting more...and bought him a concert ticket to a concert I wanted to go to. Again, because I didn't want to go alone and he couldn't afford to get his own ticket.
And, do you know what happened? We ended up meeting up with an ex girlfriend of his and the entire day he was up her ass, practically ignoring me. And at the end of the night when I told him I didn't think we should see each other again, he got pissed off and ended up turning it around on me and making me feel worse about it. Was it the last time I saw him? No.
And here we go again...This time I really thought I could trust my friend. As of now he says he is still going, but I have a sinking fear that I'll be blown off last minute and have these expensive tickets and no one to go with me to the concert.
I am so TIRED of feeling like a stepping stone. I'm tired of being the one everyone goes to when it's convenient for them. Tired of only being good enough until something or someone better comes along. And yet I seem to put myself in these situations time and time again.
I am innately drawn to people who might need me. I've got a bleeding heart that reaches out to people who are broke, sad, lonely, who have low self esteem. And then somehow I seem to give them confidence, or cheer them up, or fix something in them enough that they toss me away. Eventually everyone either gets to be too busy for me, or sick of me. One way or another, every single person in my life (aside from my parents) has done this to me. And I am SO TIRED of my heart being broken over these people.
Yet I can't seem to stop myself from getting involved with these types of people...even when I think "this one is different."
I'd like to close, again, with some song lyrics by the Black Keys:
Well I'm so above you
and it's plain to see
but I came to love you any way...
So you pulled my heart out
and I don't mind bleedin'
and the whole time you keep me waiting, waiting, waiting
Well your mama kept youbut your daddy left you
Well your mama kept youbut your daddy left you
and I shoulda' done you just the same
but I came to love you am I going to bleed?
and the whole time you keep me waiting, waiting, waiting
oh oh oh oh, I got a love that keeps me waiting
oh oh oh oh, I got a love that keeps me waiting
Im a lonely [girl]
I'm a lonely [girl]
oh oh oh oh, I got a love that keeps me waiting
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